I got my copy on Bears-on-Bears yesterday. It was a moment that I didn't think really mattered, it was just a paperback. But I looked at the cover, it's 'bear' flag boldly standing out behind the words, whispering something that I didn't really hear before.

Which is surprising, considering how big my ears are.

I belong.

This past, I dunno, year, my life has been a whirlwind. I quit my job, attempted to flee to Florida and found out I was actually worth something. No, really. I know my husbear (I'll call him Otter, because otters are so damn CUTE!) thinks I'm worth while, but, in a sense, that's his job and he is very good at his responsiblity. But in the world at large? The hordes and masses beyond my gernal social wolfpack?

I finally had someone I didn't know tell me a good job. I had worked at my job for 16 years and never got a thank you or a kudo until I promoted one of my coworkers. So she had to say i was doing a good job. I guess the trust the instituion I worked at should have been a sign that they really valued me. But that was too intrisic. I had to "just know" that they liked me.

But after sixteen years, not hearing or feeling a scratch behind the ears meant that my career was not rewarding to me.

So I quit.

Now bears don't migrate. Correction--most bears don't migrate. Some polar bears do. And if we are going to use the analogy, most polar bears migrate to Florida. And since Otter loves the water, as do I, well, we figured it was time to just run down there. But we're practical zoomates here and we wanted to have a job down there firsdt. Of course, that's stupid considering we're still working through Bush's version of economy, but we tried.

Alsas, we didn't migrate.

And Otter became bluer. See, he, like myself at my job, was miserable. Otters need water, apparently. They like to frolic as well. And when this old Bespectacled Bear awoke from the soul sucking hibernation of his job--he realized that keeping the Otter happy was really, in the end, what was worth it. Not work. Not money. But when we couldn't find decent work down there, we dug into our den just a bit deeper.

And his Bear was pissed.

I still am.

So as we hunker down and keep trying, we need to be realistic. What do we need to do stay happy until our little migration can occur?

The book arrived.

Look at this way. I grew up in New York. A common question on Long Island is,"what are you?"

Now it's not racially motivated, but New Yorkers see value in your grouping. Yeah, it does play on stereotypes but it also finds the similarities in hugely disparate groups. Catholics and Hebrews value the same things, moreso then they are different. We all find identity in our groupings. I find sheer pride during St. Pat's day, to the point I have Celtic bearclaw tattoo'd on my shoulder.

The further west you go, that identity just fades and people, in general, are lisless. All you see are chain restaurants and multiscreen theatres. There's no groupings, just frat brothers and generalized uncaring.

I felt a surge of pride at my connection to my homosexuality. I always knew that I was gay. But when i accepted it and read and saw my history, my pride grew.

But even then, I was never part of the group. I didn't have the six pack abs. I didn't have the visible Adam's apple. I was not the picture perfect model look that danced shirtless on the floor on the various clubs.

Even when I went to Florida, I knew better than to go to South Beach. I harbored over West Palm with the white Canadians and the old people. That way I did not feel out of place. Yeah, I looked at the hotties. But I was never one of them.

Otter was one, but he doesn't act like one of them. He and I love all men. That's why I have my otter crush.

I had never heard of the bear community and now, as I read more about it, the world has changed. For the first time, I'm the standard of beauty. Oh, now wait. I would be in Polynesian culture, where they worshiped all the fat people....but I need an island to do that.

So that book arrived and as I thumbed the pages, I realize, I'm part of something. I'm finally the hottie.

And it's not coming from outside. It's coming from my insides.

My heart.

So that's today's growl.